The real parent’s Christmas Wish List

Christmas is only 2 weeks away and if you have people buying for your kids or YOU they have probably asked, what do they want?  What do they need?  Now here’s the tricky part……will they actually listen when you tell them?  Are you willing to tell them what you ACTUALLY need?  Likely not.  That’s why I’m here.

DexSantaGlasses

Ridiculous Christmas Tree Glasses from the dollar store = extreme happiness

#1. Money.  Selfish, greedy bastards aren’t we?  Let’s clear something up, kids are expensive, like mind numbingly expensive.  Especially if you have more than one, or dare I say it…twins!  Ok, so instead of money here’s some gift card suggestions for those “opposed” to this extremely seemingly inappropriate gift (not really, if you’re willing to go that route, DO IT).

  • Grocery store.  ANY grocery store.  My 3 children can consume ¾ of a cantelope in one sitting.  ONE SITTING.  One time Dexter asked if he could have some raspberries, I said yes and I turned around and he’d eaten the whole container in about 1 minute.  I could literally see the money disappearing.
  • Extracurriculars. Think swimming, skating, gymnastics, hockey, piano lessons, etc.  This is ridiculously expensive.  Dexter went to try out martial arts the other day (for free) and I wondered, hmm, how much is it!  He loved it. It’s $137 a month…….A MONTH!  WHAT?!?!  Dexter is not doing martial arts by the way……
  • Walmart/Target. You can get ANYTHING there, heck if Mom’s feeling nice, the kids could even pick out their own toy (with parent approval)!!

#2. Diapers/Pull-ups.  Everybody poops.  Except children take 3 years to figure out the enigma of “THE POTTY” (on average).  Let’s calculate this out……They start out using about 10 diapers a day for 3 months, then maybe 8 for the next 4 months, then about 5-6 for the remaining months until trained……that’s 900+960+4,230 at about 16-25 cents a diaper (newborn diapers are cut your arm off expensive)(let’s even that out to 20 cents).  That’s about $1200 per child in the first 3 years.  Not including pull-ups for the next however many damn years.  This means I have spent about $2400 on diapers in the past 3 years (twins).  And the girls want nothing to do with “THE POTTY” aka “THE DEVIL”.  F.

ZeePlayPianoToys

Zee playing a tune for her “audience”

#3. RESP, aka Registered Education Savings Plan.  Not exciting and not used for about 10-15 years BUT extremely important, useful and most importantly NEEDED.  Estimated cost of one child going through 4 years of University in 2026 is just under $100,000 to live away from home.  Owwwwwwwwwww.

#4. What the parents or child ACTUALLY asked you to buy.  Hmm, this seems kind of silly to state doesn’t it?  But it’s not really.  When you ask a parent and they specifically tell you to buy a certain toy, say Lego Ninjago and you say, yep I got it, but you actually bought Lego CHIMA……. There could be a melt down of epic proporations.  There IS a difference.  And that child is gonna be pissed.  Not that I’d want Lego in my house anyway…..see the NOTTY list below……

#5.Clothes and shoes.  You would think that little clothes and shoes would be less expensive.  The answer is no, in fact sometimes they are MORE expensive.  How??!  I really don’t get it, honestly.  My kids have almost all second hand clothes, I just refuse to pay such prices!  Do you know how much a new official Disney t-shirt costs??!?  It’s SICK.  If you can manage to find someone with your same style and a child a year older….you are set!!!  But NEW clothes are very exciting, especially for ME!!  Who are we kidding, the kids don’t care.  This one is for ME!!

Now you’re saying, but kids don’t want that crap!  They are NOT going to be excited to get any of that!  I want to see their faces light up!  I have a solution.  It’s called the dollar store.  Spend $5-10 there and the rest on something useful.  Or better yet, buy YOURSELF a new fridge and give them the Cardboard box.  If you want to get even more faces lighting, get even more creative and paint that cardboard box into a space shuttle.  They will love you forever.  I promise.

ZeeSingToys

Zee singing to her “audience”. These are the FAVOURITE toys in our house. An array of dollar store and kinder egg toys. All 3 of my children fight over these stupid little seemingly useless items. Total cost $5

MY “NOTTY” list

NOT Lego = I HATE this shit.  You spend 5 hours putting this crap together and then as your kid plays with it you spend the next 4 hours putting it BACK TOGETHER.  Or better yet, you have a toddler (‘s, plural for those lucky with twins!) who A) Like to eat it or B) Play Godzilla and destroy it before your other child even gets to play with it which results in screaming and crying by all.  If you buy this, bring crazy glue, alcohol AND be prepared for an intense 5 hour visit.

NOT musical instruments of any sort = headache (unless you got Mom and Dad a gift card for the liquor store or actual booze, then maybe…..no I take that back, you’d need a years supply)  And yes Hazel is in fact playing a little toy piano in that picture.  It is normally hidden and even still they touch it maybe once every 3 months and then I yell for them to stop after about 3 minutes…..

NOT toys you can’t shut off = hunting through the toy box in the middle of the freaking night for that GD toy that won’t stop talking/beeping/playing music

NOT Candy = psychotic children.  Really.  You ask ANY teacher about the day after Halloween.  They’ll tell you.  My children have an abundance of energy already, they don’t need to be cracked out too!!!!

SantaVisit2013

Making memories. Our visit to the Devil, I mean Santa, 2013

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