You arrive at work and well you are looking less than stellar and your co-worker pipes up and says, Geez, Rough Morning? What do you think? Does a bear shit in the woods? Pointing it out is probably the worst possible thing and frankly I’d like to punch them in the face. And generally I respond by laying my head on my desk and saying, YES. They call me angry at work. I say determined. Majority of the people I directly work with don’t have children, so they have absolutely no idea. And NO, having a damn dog does not count. When was the last time you think I put my kids in a crate? So most of the time I don’t even bother explaining because I can see their eyes glazing over. They are great, but don’t really understand. Did you know there is actually an organized group called Childless by Choice? They find people with children offensive…..I’ll someday take a moment to touch on them. But what really happened is not glamorous and not fun but just a typical “rough morning”……
Let me begin at 12am, because frankly the day has already started, well for me. At 12:05, one of the girls cry but you don’t get out of bed because they need to learn to soothe themselves. So you wait and you’re almost back asleep and WAH, an. So you haul your ass out of bed and go into their room and of course you can’t even tell who’s been crying. WTH. This goes on periodically until 2am when you wake to what sounds like someone talking. Violet. Yes, this sweet little thing likes to get up in the middle of the night and have a party in her crib. She’s currently explaining physics in gibberish to her stuffed mouse and playing her ocean wonders for back-up music while also yelling “Sista! Sista!” Thank god, her “sista”, sleeping 2 feet away sleeps like a tank and enjoys ignoring her sister on a regular basis, especially at night. She’s not crying though so I can’t really complain. I explain that it is 2am, give her a soother and say go back to sleep. I go back to bed and listen to miss chatterbox until I fall asleep, she’s still up.
3am – Hazel begins screaming her bloody head off. I rush in to calm her down in fear she might wake Miss Chatterbox up but of course Miss Chatty is zonked, physics IS exhausting and now snoring her head off. I try everything to calm Hazel and after she refuses to settle down, I suddenly realize. She’s struck again. The sleep shitter. Hazel is notorious for shitting in her sleep. And no, I DO NOT find this amusing in the least. At least once a week, it’s sometimes right after she falls asleep and lucky for me “this morning” it’s the middle of the night. Sure enough there’s a special present. So, while holding a flashlight in my teeth and trying to keep poop for getting everywhere I get her cleaned up, all while she screams her head off. Honestly I think Violet, aka The Chatterbox, could sleep through a hurricane. I get Missy back in her pj’s and then have to pat her for another 10 minutes before she falls back asleep. Phew! NOW maybe I’ll get some sleep. Back to bed. I’ve just dozed off when…
4am – MOMMMY! Dexter begins screaming his head off. Really? I elbow hubby in the ribs and say, DEAL WITH IT. And roll back over.
4:45am – Ryan, my hubby, comes staggering back into bed and wakes me up and begins snoring his head off. ARGH. REALLY?
5am – Someone screams in the girls room. I wake, wait…….nothing. I am just dozing off when AHHHH, again. UGH. I haul my ass out of bed and stagger into their room. Violet has lost her soother and is patting around her crib with her eyes closed. Of course I can’t find one either. I grab the flashlight (I keep it under the change pad, what? Don’t you?), get down on my hands and knees and see one under the crib. I have to army crawl on my belly to get it but at this point I don’t care. I plunk it back in her mouth and stagger back to bed.
5:45am – BEEP, BEEP, BEEP. $#&%!!!!! Snooze. BEEP, BEEP, BEEP. Snooze. Shake, shake, shake. Now it’s my hubby. Crystal, Crystal, GET UP! I stagger to the bathroom to try and do my hair and wash my face. I shower at night because I NEED that extra 10 minutes of sleep in the morning.
6:20 am – Hubby is yelling at me to come and pick out clothes for the girls to wear. I stagger in there with makeup on one eye and pick out some clothes. Makeup forgotten I then help get the girlies ready.
6:30 am – Feeding time begins at the zoo. I feed one girly, Hubby feeds the other and we both take turns reminding Dexter to keep eating while Dexter tries not to fall asleep in his cinnamon toast crunch. Once the girls are done eating I proceed to do their hair and put suntan lotion on them while they are still strapped in. Seriously. Have you ever tried to chase down TWO 15month olds??? By this point even though Dexter isn’t done eating it’s time to brush his teeth, sorry buddy. Once Dexter emerges he is now lathered in suntan lotion. Have you seen my kids? Albino’s, just without the red eyes. I suddenly realize that I never finished my makeup so I bolt to finish it. While I’m trying to finish my makeup the girls realize our door is open and come in to swipe everything off our night tables and eat my makeup.
7:10 am – Shoes and sweaters. The preparations to get OUT the door actually begin. The girls start screaming because they know we are going somewhere and hang off the baby gate at the backdoor. Ever seen a dog when you pick up its leash? Or say “walk”? Yah. That’s about right. We begin loading kids and bags into the van. Lucky for me, hubby generally drops the kids off. Halle-freaking-lujah.
7:20 – I grab something I can eat while driving and bolt for my van. Two minutes from my house I realize I forgot my work keys and have to return to the house. 5 minutes later I am FINALLY driving off to work.
And you had trouble sleeping last night? You need a new pillow you say? Maybe it was the full moon? And you’re really tired? Ohhhh muffin! YOU POOR THING.