When I became preggo with team scream I searched and searched for a week by week guide to a twin pregnancy. And there is absolutely nothing helpful. Seriously it sucks. Not that this is probably helpful either but maybe it’ll make you laugh or at least make you realize you’re doing great! It could be worse, right?!?!? You’ll be fine!
Here’s how mine went and this is factual.
Week 1 – I think it’s just plain stupid that they start at this point
Week 2 – Like really, how does this even qualify? Yah, yah, I can hear all the experts out there ramping up and pushing their glasses to say, well actually it’s because your cycle…..stop right there.
Week 3 – There’s a glimmer in someone’s eye
Week 4 – “+” No freaking way. Who’d have thought a plus sign could be so exciting! Hooray! And no you are not 4 weeks pregnant, it’s just stupid, you’re like 1 week.
Week 5 – Vomit.
Week 6 – Oh God, what was I thinking? Unable to hold head up, oh and vomit
Week 7 – I do some stretches cause I’m not feeling great, shocker, and start bleeding. Panic. Here we go again (I nearly died a year earlier when I had a miscarriage, was sent home from emergency 3 times and became septic, yah I know and I still thought I’d try it again….), oh and vomit.
- And we meet Doctor #1
Week 8 – Twins? TWINS? TWINS?!?!??!…………………OMG. Hyperventilating, hyperventilating. I need Diclectin. Oh and vomit.
- And we meet Doctor #2 AND 3 First doctor informs me that “If you feel sick maybe you should chew on some ginger”………………..#&*!$%^&*%$#!!!!!!!! I have to go to a walk-in clinic. A WALK-IN CLINIC, to get diclectin.
Week 9 – Zzzzzzzz, sorry what? I was busy sleeping. Is it still TWINS? It is? OMG. Hyperventilating, hyperventilating. Come on Diclectin, work your magic. Oh and vomit.
Week 10 – Zzzzzzzzzz. I have to drive to work with my windows down to keep me awake. Stretch pants. Oh and vomit.
Week 11 – Maternity pants. WHAT? I love you diclectin, only averaging 3 hours of nausea per day and yes that’s good, well for me.
Week 12 – Clearly pregnant. Unbelievable. I didn’t look like this until I was 18 weeks with my son! Sniff, sniff, do I smell chocolate cupcakes?!??! Mmmmmmm, gimme, gimme!
- And we meet Doctor #4
Week 13 – The 2 peas in the pod are looking great. Measuring BIGGER than expected! Aaaaaawhaaaat?
Week 14 – Phew! Did I just do 5 flights of stairs, what is going on? Sniff, sniff, do I smell hummus? Oh yum, gimme, gimme!
Week 15 – My wedding rings are now cutting off the circulation in my fingers. Buh bye, sigh.
Week 16 – Huh, no feeling in my fingertips. That’s weird.
- And we meet Doctor #5
Week 17 – Apparently everything I eat is coated in acid. UGGGGGHHH. Holy heartburn. There are bottles of tums located in my car, purse, desk at work, lunch bag and at home.
Week 18 – Whoa, what the heck was that?!?! Oh right, double trouble, feels like I’ve got a butterfly sanctuary in my stomach.
Week 19 – Two girls, TWO girls. TWO GIRLS!!!! Daddy is having a heart attack. He’s totally psyched about having mommy lookalikes! Twin, blonde, blue eyed, big boobed, teenage girls……..
Week 20 – Huh, no feeling in my palms. That’s weird.
- And we meet Doctor #6
Week 21 – OMG, not only are girl clothes cute but TWIN GIRL clothes are even cuter. Bought my first stuff, this is gonna take some control!! Eeeeeeeek!
Week 22 – Feeling lightheaded and so become a regular at Shopper’s Drug Mart to check my own blood pressure because no doctor will see me. Yes, I’ve decided to become my own doctor since well, anyone? Hello?
Week 23 – I have no shoes that fit my tree trunks. Those that do leave some serious marks. And the compression stockings look soooooo HOT with sandals.
Week 24 – Went sledding with my son. What? Yah, yah I know. But seriously the doctors don’t seem concerned, why should I be? We only went like 3 times and I giggled the entire time. It was a small hill.
- And we meet Doctor #7 (still not at an OB either, did I mention that?)
Week 25 – I knock everything over on the counter when I try to reach anything, either with A) my belly or B) my boobs
Week 26 – Huh, no feeling up to my elbows. NO FEELING UP TO MY ELBOWS?!?!? OMG, am I going to lose my hands!??! I can’t even button my son’s pants for him!!!
Week 27 – Officially on sick leave from work since, well, I HAVE NO FEELING FROM MY ELBOWS DOWN!!!!
- And we meet Doctor #8 – who books my section for Week 38 and tells me that hopefully there’s no permanent damage from the edema causing the numbness……..!??!?!!
Week 28 – HAHAHAHA! They think I’m gonna make it to week 38. HAHAHAHA! Oh, I need to pee.
Week 29 – I have an argument with the secretary at the OB office about not being seen until Week 31. She informs me to get over it, there’s nothing special about a twin pregnancy, it’s nothing, no one cares. Literally she says no one cares. Wow, thanks for the stellar pep talk. Don’t worry I’ve already clearly gotten the message from my care so far. Geesh.
Week 30 – I’ve seen every Making Room For Multiples and I think I better stop watching them as I’m having panic attacks. We purchase THE van. The dream begins.
Week 31 – When you poke my feet you can actually leave an indent that takes time to disappear. My sister thinks it’s hilarious. Just like the Pillsbury doughboy.
- And we meet Doctor #9 Did you notice it was 4 weeks before I was seen? Cause I didn’t, really. Oh what’s that? My blood pressure is a bit high? Huh, fancy that. It was fine at Shopper’s the other day!!!
Week 32 – I can barely go pee without getting someone to help me up. Seriously? This is so glamorous. Magical you’d almost say.
Week 34 – The babies have taken to rearranging my internal organs. My kidneys are taking a serious beating. Again. Magical.
- And we meet Doctor #10 (FINALLY, the actual OB I was supposed to be seeing this whole time), Oh and I’m so glad fit they could fit me in again after just 2 weeks…..?!??!?
Week 35 – I have no shirts that will cover my belly. Those jokes about the twin sheet with a whole cut for my head just aren’t as funny anymore.
Week 36 – I’m averaging 2-3 hours of sleep a night. Everyone tells me it’s training for when the babies come! Apparently they want a punch in the face as well.
- We see Doctor #10 AGAIN. Now this is a first. I’m almost feeling hopeful.
Week 37 – I get up to pee and my water breaks. First words out of my mouth, I told those a**holes I wasn’t going to make it to 38 weeks!
- And we meet Doctor #11 Because of course no other doctor, out of 10, that’s right 10 OTHERS, is available.
Lucky for me I’m a stellar incubator and my girls NEVER set a bundled foot in the NICU. Neither of them! And I’d like to thank no one but ME!!!! Now the real fun begins and no, you probably don’t even want to know!