Roadside Bomb – of the less deadly variety

Alright first things first.  If you don’t know already, I live in Canada, wait let me correct that, rural Canada.  And it’s the February when the average temperature is between -5 to -15 oC.  Now in rural Canada it’s nothing to drive for an hour and come across nothing other than a few family homes and pesky wildlife.  Why do I live here?  I haven’t really decided yet.

It’s a brisk but sunny day and I’m on my way home from my parents.  They live in an even MORE rural area than I do, so the drive is mostly on unknown back roads.  I’m about 30 minutes into my 1 hour drive when I look back and praise God, TWO of my beautiful angels are sleeping soundly.  I audibly sigh because that means if the other falls asleep I could get 30 blissful minutes of silence.  How wonderful would that be?!?!!  I’ll take it any way it may come even if I have to be driving.  As I turn onto this curvy road I think I may smell something and it doesn’t smell promising.  I look back and the two angels are still sleeping but my dearest Hazel is NOT looking so happy.  No screams yet but I can see the anger building.  Fantastic.  I am in the absolute middle of nowhere.  For instances just like these I leave 1/3 of the very back seat of my van flipped down so I can change a bum quick if I need to BUT the other two are sleeping and I know this will wake them.  Damn.  Hmmmmm.

I decide that I will just do a quick bum change on the front passenger seat to prevent THREE screaming kids.  No problem, I am a pro, especially with twins, speed is of the essence.  Hell, I just did it the other day at the grocery store so I wouldn’t have to lug everyone back inside.  So I get everything setup and grab Hazel dearest.  As I pull her pants down I realize my mistake too late.  MOTHER OF GOD.  It appears as though someone has set off a peanut butter bomb in my child’s pants.  Did any of it even get in the diaper?!?!?  What the hell have we been feeding her?!?!  There’s no turning back now, I am going to have to strip her completely down with the door half cracked open.  Did I think to grab an extra set of clothes?  Of course not!  So while holding my child by her feet, like a chicken, I reach around to the side door, thanking god the diaper bag was even on that side, to grab ANY clothes I can reach.  I crank the heat up to begin, then think where the hell I am going to put all this without getting it all over my van?!?!  So in true classy style, I chuck everything out the door.  Yep, mother of the year, stripping and wiping my child down while throwing the carnage out behind me.  While Hazel, of course, screams her bloody head off no doubt a bit chilled even with the blowers whipping our hair.  I finally get Miss Poopy pants all bundled up again, back in her seat with blankets and toys before I can breathe.  I get all the carnage cleaned up off the side of the road into some plastic bags and get back in the van.  What felt like an eternity turns out to be only 5 minutes including cleanup.  How?  I have no idea.  I look in the mirror and blow my mind, the two “angels” are still sleeping.  How?  Again, I have no idea, I must just be that lucky.

Hazel "enjoying" a prune-cicle.......maybe a few too many prune-cicles........


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