I’d like to begin by saying I love all Moms. Because, they get it. The sleepless nights, puke stained clothes, preparing food non stop, peeing with an audience and hearing Mom repeated about a thousand times. I like to think I’m a blend of many of these following Moms. Wishing I had more of some and…… less of others……but all awesome! Moms – you rock!
The New Mom – We’ve all been there and you can spot these poor souls from a mile away. First sign, they only have ONE child and they are rolling in the pimp daddy of strollers with every bell and whistle. Their child is dressed for a hike through the Antarctic and it’s the middle of summer. There’s a diaper bag stuffed to the gills and the stroller basket is also overflowing. Their hair is unwashed, possibly wearing a hat, no makeup, dark circles under their eyes and puke on their hair, shirt and/or pants (HA, let’s face it, that last description could be ANY Mom with a <6 month’r). They are extremely on edge, confused, not able to form complete sentences and appear quite frazzled and freak at the smallest coo or grunt from their baby and quickly pick them up. Oh they’re gonna regret that in 4 months!!!!!!!! Muahahahahaa!
My Child Does No Wrong – I find quite often that these parents are actually the NICEST people you have ever met. Not only do they see no wrong in other people….they also see no wrong in their own children. Of course, this is all fine and dandy until their children start being nasty, not sharing or shoving around your children. And hey, I’m not saying my kids never do any of that, they do, the only exception is that mine don’t get away with that kind of shit. Even if it is going to result in my child throwing a temper tantrum and crying, they WILL share that toy, or ELSE! I almost feel sorry for the parents that can’t be mean; it would be like living with a bully! A pint-size bully at that! I just want to scream, YOU CAN DO IT, BE MEAN!
Granola Bar – Oh boy. These are out in full force these days. With all the education about nutrition and chemicals, seems like everyone is on the band wagon. And again, not necessarily a bad thing. There is a lot of processed crap out there that is horrible for our kids. My motto has and will continue to be small treats in moderation. If however, your child tackles mine when they happen to see “R-I-T-Z” stamped on a cracker and proceed to stuff the entire contents of a bowl down their throat in 30 seconds, you might wanna loosen those reigns a little……
I Have The Smartest Kid – You’re at the park with your fellow moms and you are sooo excited because junior is FINALLY potty trained. It has been the most intense and horrifying week/s/month, fine months, of your life but hooray you all made it! Just then little Mrs. Perky says Oh really? William’s been trained for months! And he can already spell his name and has decided he’s going to be a doctor! You know them. No matter what your child has accomplished, their child has done better and they need to squash you. You should promptly respond by saying, that’s wonderful, you might want to train him to pull his finger out of his nose before he starts medical school!
The Teacher – Everybody’s day job trickles into their personal life but for this Mom it’s on a whole other level. And I’m not even saying it’s a bad thing, hell I wish I was that organized. Everything their kids do is a lesson or centre or a craft or activity. After 15 minutes of this, I’m tired. I wonder, do the kids put their hand up at home to go to the bathroom? I know I almost did at the park.
I Think I’m A MILF – First things first, if you don’t know what a MILF is, then maybe you better google it. Ok, so she USED to be hot. Now, you’re dragging around a snotty nosed toddler and you have jam on your pants. Those days are over sweetie. No matter how tight those track pants hug your butt, and how many squats you do and how many times you whip your unnaturally perky boob out to feed your kid or how ridiculously you flirt with that single Dad, nobody’s buying it. There is still a snotty nosed toddler, attached. To. Your. leg.
Diva – Hair, makeup, nails, heels and dressed to the nine’s with star bucks in hand. And we’re meeting at a park. At 9:30am. You know who I mean. I arrive with a travel mug, no makeup, a ball cap, my children half dressed and we are all still eating breakfast. Oh man, I sound like the new mom…..LOL.
No worries – I’ve known them, I’m sure you have to. They are completely unconcerned about their children’s safety. I know, I know, nowadays we’re super OVER protective BUT my mom definitely wouldn’t have let me sit by the side of the road. Luckily for these Moms they generally have what I’ll term “hardy” children. You know the kind that at the age of 10 months are doing the rock wall on the play structure and fall off backwards, land on their head and still manage to be okay. My kids can’t even walk across a clear floor without falling on their face.
The Screamer – STOP doing that! DO you need to pee? LEAVE your sister alone! GET over here! ARE you thirsty? WHERE is your shoe? IF YOU DO THAT ONE MORE TIME I’M GONNA…..You know the type. And to be honest, they probably don’t even mean anything by it. It’s probably just how they were raised themselves (my husband, cough, cough). But it can get a little nerve wracking to non-screamers. Especially if they catch you not paying attention, then suddenly you hear, HEY! HEY YOU! I SAID DO YOUR KIDS WANT SOME CRACKERS?
The Perfect Mom – We all hate her. Her kids are always well behaved, dressed nicely and not dirty. They listen and say please and thank you. Her husband is something great like a police officer, doctor or lawyer and treats her like gold. In fact, she’s wearing a new bracelet he just brought home. Barf. She’s on parent council, volunteers with the elderly and rescues stray animals. She is super nice, dressed neat and tidy, and never appears stressed or tired. As much as you want to hate her she is just so damned nice! Argh!